I would like to take a moment to introduce you to one of my favorite ‘Living in Spain’ bloggers, Will Peach. While his actual Spanish Adventure may have been put on hold until he finds his next great destination, his blog is essential for anyone looking to learn another language or move to another country.
Recently, one of his latest posts really got my attention – “Living Abroad: 6 Reasons Why It’s Overrated.”
I’m 100% Team Will here. It takes a strong spirit to be a constant foreigner. But after reading his post, I felt a little bad for Spain, the jilted lover in Will’s travels. I know firsthand that she can be a bit um … temperamental, but did he even try to work things out with her? Did they try counseling?
Well, I’ve since talked with Spain and she’s a little hurt. So, I think its only fair to let Spain respond to Will’s opinion about the “overratedness” of living abroad.
So, take it away Spain:
Will, hombre! Creia que teniamos algo especial? Porque coño me has dejado, eh? Realmente piensas que vas a encontrar una vida mejor, guapo?
A ver, seguro que hay sitios mejor en el mundo, pero por dios, no hay jamón iberico en todos los sitios! ni mejor cerveza!
La madre que te pario… Te he dado todo! Coño!
Dejame a convencerte de volver a esta locura!
(In English, because Spain is a little lazy today.)
What about it? Yes, its true – we have our fair share of bureaucracy. Did you think we would be waiting for you at the airport with a red carpet, a cold beer, and a big old plate of pata negra? No, we want you to work for it, Guiri! Spain is not some two bit floozy that just lets whoever inside (guarra!). You have to work a little bit! We like testing you with a few cute little hurdles. We’re bureaucrats after all and its fun to see your frustration … and we get extra points if we make the guiris cry! (Just ask your friend, Hamatha.)
These are a few of our best tactics:
- Useless paperwork that makes no sense to anyone, including the government? Check.
- Smoke break, coffee break, ham break? Check. You name it, we break it.
- Ignoring you for so long while we talk amongst ourselves that you acutally start wondering if you are invisible? Check.
- Long lines that go outside and around the corner and never ever move? Of course! What do we look like – amateurs?
- Wrong paperwork to be returned to you that you will only notice when you get home? Check.
- Rude monsters of empty stone hearts that probably understand what you’re saying but refuse to get that damn ¿Cómo? look off their face? Check!
So, all those hours that you’ve spent in our interminable lines in our grey offices talking to our even greyer robots that look at you like they want to cut you as soon as they realize that they’ve got el guiri coming in? Well, just consider that our charge for “la buena vida”.
Que pasa, tio? No te estas pasando pipas? Joder! Manda huevos. Me cago en la leche de la madre que te parío. De puta madre. Debuti. Chachi Piruli.
Okay, you have us there. This euro thingy stinks and its slowly draining what life we have here in the Iberian peninsula. But, at least, we proved our skills at adapting, right? Paying out the nose for a shoebox is proof that we’ve handled the transition well – oh that silly inflation!
The Lack of Difference
This is something I have to take issue with, mi amigo. First, we have to agree that it depends on where you’re from, right? Some people don’t think Spain is that different, but that would be contrasting our highly creative motto, Spain is Different. So there you have it. Spain is different because we say so.
What? Impossible! Will, who doesn’t like endless amounts of series about the Spanish civil war? And Spanish comedies with foul mouthed abuelas? And that free porn that seems to pop up at random times on public television? How great is that? You won’t find that just anywhere, you know. Priorities, Will, priorities.
So please, come back to us, porfis. We know its difficult, but you can do it. Perhaps you’ve heard of the famous philosopher, Debbie Allen? I believe she puts it best when she says, “You want Spain? Well, Spain costs. And right here is where you start paying!”