Madrid, Spain. January 13, 2025 — A controversial new law obliging all Spanish males to have a vasectomy on their 16th birthday was signed into law by Spain’s mainly female cabinet. The new law, expected to pass in the all female parliament early next month, will see one of the world’s first enforced “male responsibility” measures, meant to curb unwanted pregnancy.
As expected, the Spanish male population has taken to the streets to protest the questionable legalities behind the law. Although many signs were covered with strong messages such as “My sperm, my decision!”, “Protect all the sperms!”, “Keep you hands off my penis unless I say put them there!” or the crowd favorite, “Free My Willy!”, the government representatives scoffed at the idea of men in charge of their own bodies.
The Spanish Prime Minister, Maria Jesus Mibombo, remarked that the law comes after intensive studies were conducted by an educated committee made up of all female members. The members voted unanimously to take control of the burgeoning number unwanted births in the country by forcing all males to have the reversible procedure at the age of 16.
The law comes after it was decided that men are not competent to control their own bodies and often make impulsive decisions which poorly affect Spanish society. “The penis is always the victim, so by providing vasectomies to our male population, we are really protecting the penis and the sperm, which is, as we all know, half of what it takes to create a baby,” explained Paula Micoño Suarez. “We recognize that men cannot be trusted to make their own decisions regarding their sperm distribution so vasectomies are really for their own benefit. Simple-minded civil rights simply cannot trump measures that are taken for the good of the country. Spanish men should be grateful because vasectomies are reversible. Mandatory sterilization and castration were also on the table … you know, for society’s sake.”
As the so called “penis protests” swell around the country, the fine print of the new law has also come under close scrutiny. The country’s Civil Rights Commission, amazingly established just five years ago in 2020, explains that it’s not just the initial procedure itself that is unbelievable, its the steps to reverse the procedure that are being met with incredulousness.
According to the new law, the vasectomy can only be reversed upon presentation of a marriage certificate, validated by a female judge and a Catholic priest. To legally validate the marriage, a female counselor must assess the marriage as “godly authentic” after intensive investigation of both parties’ past relationships to prove the pair were virgins before marriage.
Additionally, once the administrative steps are completed, the Spanish man must consult two doctors, have four blood tests and two colonoscopies in order to begin the reversal process. Additionally, he must visit an approved eye doctor, a dentist, a heart specialist and a psychiatrist.
Spokesman for the Society of Penis and Ejaculation Rights for Males (SPERM) remarked that the stipulations are almost impossible to fulfill. “Why should men have to go through such a hassle just because they want a child? It’s natural for anyone to want to procreate, but forcing men to jump through these bureaucratic hoops in order to do so just reeks of hypocrisy.”
However, a spokeswoman for the government replied, “Men have proven themselves inept at self-control. In fact, many men make mistakes and fire their sperm at just anyone, without considering the future of that sperm. Therefore, we have a duty to protect sperm at all costs and make sure it ends up in a godly relationship. We don’t recognize the right of men to control their bodies in this instance. We are the government so obviously, we have a right to control all of the penises of the country in order to keep Spanish society righteous and just, just like its politicians have been since the very day democracy was implemented in Spain in the late 1970′s.”
Although this new law may be considered too extreme by many, since Spain’s all female government came into power five years ago, the country has seen in increase in practical societal measures. Not only has the Spanish government decided to take matters into their own hands in terms of the country’s previously willy-nilly collective penis workings, the all female government shockingly decided to make firing a women for being pregnant a crime. Additionally, Prime Minister, Maria Jesus Mibombo, made waves when she had the audacity to make bribery and political graft a crime that was actually punishable with actual jail time. Five years after the installation of the new government, the new-to-Spain law saw the country’s entire PP party incarcerated for most of their sad, greedy and self-righteous lives.