Breaking: Expat Blogger Goes on the Lam After Spaniards Threaten to Eat Her Newborn

EFE – Madrid

Hungry-ManSeptember, 2015. American expat sometimes blogger, Hamatha, has been found alive and well after her disappearance in the early summertime. When asked about her mysterious whereabouts, the sometimes writer described her absence from the online world as a necessity in the face of danger to her newborn.

When asked to elaborate, the once-in-a-while wordsmith explained that due to the high number of Spaniards who threatened to eat her precious baby after her birth, she had to go underground for an undetermined number of months.

“I just couldn’t believe it! My mother-in-law threatened to ‘comersela’ as soon as she saw the poor baby!”

The barely-a-scribbler continued, “I thought maybe she was just feeling a bit peckish when she saw her granddaughter for the first time, but she continued to say she was going to eat her over and over again! And it didn’t stop with my suegra. Noooo, everyone who saw her wanted to eat her! I mean, the uncles, the aunts, and even the young cousins! Zombies, I tell ya! All of them threatened to eat my baby as soon as they saw her. Comersela, comersela, Comer. Se. La!”

“I had to run! Don’t you people understand!?”

The scarce scribe only returned to Madrid and back to the real world once she realized that she couldn’t run very far because the entire country was apparently very eager to eat her baby, “I tried and tried, but I couldn’t get far away enough from these zombie Spaniards! Everywhere I went people wanted to eat her. From the normally-frigid pharmacists to the grumpy old market ladies. Even the crazy lady in the street lottery cube almost jumped out of her little window to eat her! Zombies, I tell ya!

“Anyway, I soon realized that I wouldn’t be able to hide from all of the hungry Iberian zombies so I came home. I just make sure that when anyone comes to visit, they get a good sniff of her dirty diaper. Works like garlic on vampires, I tell ya!”

*Blog may be on hiatus for a bit, cariños. I got bigger cagadas to fry these days.

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2 Responses to Breaking: Expat Blogger Goes on the Lam After Spaniards Threaten to Eat Her Newborn

  1. Ja, ja, ja, very good post, a very sharp satire, you know, the Spaniards like us pezqueñines, angulas, chanquetes, cochinillo, cordero lechal. Keep your little princess away from the jaws of family, friends, acquaintances and passers. And especially, congratulations to the parents and welcome to the princesita.

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